regressions

i am essentially quite pissed and annoyed because i feel like where i come from is disadvantageous.

essentially, i hate how other people have reigns over what i do and what i say. i want to maximize opportunities for myself and the people around me but nobody sees things from a similar perspective—they don’t seem to understand the depth of situations and they put me down, without rhyme or reason. in this i am accused of being a veteran, the title stripped off its nobility, instead, marked with arrogance. i am told that things are to go they see it, but i am not given much justification. if effort of justification has been made, it didn’t come across successfully. the dissonance lies in the way we see things, and what we want for our people.

i am beginning to speculate that the fit i witnessed was due to the fear of the loss of power—the loss of power over our people. it is only when one trembles with insecurity that one feels the need to raise one’s voice and use age and authority as flimsy argumentative weapons. on this side i feel clarity, what i want is clear. any opposition to that so far has never been logical in the least. i have always been met with a snarl, or a shudder, pure disgust all the time. the air of negativity is almost something i am used to these days: things don’t work out, words remain as words and never transfer to actions; withstanding verbal diarrhoea is second nature.

i ask myself why i put up with this shit and never spit in their faces and say FUCK YOU. because somewhere inside i can remember how good this is, what it’s done to me and how i have changed; how i want this experience for others.

note: i have never managed to sustain so much abhorrence at any one person.